I am returning to many things, and many things have become clear to me.
You never know what the last wire is until you get down to it. Until surviving is all you can do. There comes a time in some lives where a final ultimatum is breached, and you have to decide whether you want to leap forward or not.
The ultimatum was decided the night I called the cops on my own family. I begged them to help me, to help the children with me, but they simply turned away and left me on the doorstep. As I stood there that night, after the pigs left, crying and begging her not to return to her destructive ways, she looked right at me and did it anyway. She chose and so did I. Moments like those are impossible to prepare for; no matter how much you tell yourself you'll act a certain way in your head, reality is never what you expect it to be. I never thought I would beg for someone to chose me instead of hurting themselves. When they choose, and its not you, the answer becomes clear and you don't see anything else.
When survival mode clicks in you cant slow down or turn around. There's only one option, one way you can go and that's forward. Go forward full steam and don't stop, leave everything behind except what is vital to your existence. So I left, and she was the one begging me not to go in the end. Doesn't feel good does it?
Being left with no money, nowhere to go, and only two bags of my clothes to my name, I left. I left with no promise of the future, no way to live on my own, I had nothing and came from nothing. I'm not saying I've had it the worst but life sure does have a way of being really fucked up to different people. One thing after another for the past six years of my life have been nothing but hard!
First my life blows up, then I hate my family and they abandon me, we moved constantly never staying for longer than nine months in one place, I had no friends except one, (but he was taken from me.) I never had much beside my library, but that was eventually taken from me too. I lose more than I gain, sometimes I gain in place of something immediately lost, not gaining or losing. It seems most my life that I remember things are taken from me, family, homes, love. After moving around for years we settled in a hell hole dust bowl. I hated it. I lived in constant depression for three year until that finally came down to one night and one choice.
She made her choice, and so did I. I left the very next day without a plan. I packed my bags and just left. I had to, its all I could do. Life is different when your parents both abandon you, life is different when you have no family to help you as family should. After a while of survival, you just stop feeling what hurts. I want nothing more than to completely forget the past ten years of my life as if it never happened. But it wont leave me alone.
Life is full of choices and more than likely, they will hurt. All I have are a few precious friends, I don't have family. Just four kids I had no choice but to leave behind. It hurts, my heart hurts. But with a little help from some suddenly amazing people, I have a new life, and new people I care about. Damn, I care too much about people. But they've come, rather quickly, to mean a lot. Even if they only work with me. But I am engineered to care about people, its like my default.
I don't know what else to do in this fucked up life, but I'm just going to keep going forward...
